got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
