I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
