I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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