life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
