I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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