I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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