no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
