My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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