Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
