I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
