I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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