the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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