New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
