Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
