My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Four minutes until I can fart!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
