So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Even the bartender felt bad for me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
