So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
