i wish my penis had a tongue
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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