shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We just shotgunned beers for America
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
