I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
