Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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