SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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