And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
