Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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