I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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