I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
