I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
