I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I believe in your delicious
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
