"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
