i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
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