My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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