Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
