is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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