I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
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