The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
