Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
