Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
