I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
