I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
