if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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