guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
