Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
