I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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