this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
