Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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