Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
