if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
