dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
