Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
