I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
